celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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A thread
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Day 2 of my diet
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”