I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting