I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
very niche meme I made
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.