I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Your secret is safeish with me
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook