I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.