Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

is there nothing we can trust anymore

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

😎

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.