Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

How do you milk an almond?

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

peeping toms

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking