Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Well, shit

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.