Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.