Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

It’s actually Dr. whatever

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other