I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
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wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.