I’m probably too old to be driving around the roundabout and thinking wheeeeee as I do it, but what the hell.
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(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that