I’m probably too old to be driving around the roundabout and thinking wheeeeee as I do it, but what the hell.
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it