I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
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*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
In Canada they just call them geese
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
Not my job 😂
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.