I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
You Might Also Like
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!