I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
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Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
he looks great for his age
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao