Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

#Caturday

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

huge if true: the moon

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.