I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King