I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out