Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.