Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse