I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Air pods looking like an angry frog
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best