Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

How to walk around a museum

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house