Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe