Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.