I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
How I like cutting carbs
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Erm…
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Good morning!
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.