I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.