Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

pictures of spider-man