Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

I would move hell over six inches for you

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!