Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

what could possibly go wrong?

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons