I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
You Might Also Like
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
New menu item
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms