Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
North and South
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃