I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Meme Monday.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver