Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.