I’m putting together a team
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You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
perfect
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Coffee for people with no kids
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.