Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Doctors texting each other.

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.