I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it