Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

aesthetic

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed