I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
A male goth is called a broth.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.