I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
rip to my favourite tweet
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.