I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
You Might Also Like
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume