Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

🤣

Had to try this trend 😊

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

I think this cat is broken

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*