“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?