Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

screw you

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

The news is so predictable nowadays

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-