Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

The Onion called it…again.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

2022 be like

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.