Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.