Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Pickled cat.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

no such thing as a dumb question