Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

This is enough internet for the day.

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker