I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you