I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.