Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

when unicorns get really drunk

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes