I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Yup….perfect score!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
