I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
me irl
m’lady
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
long lost
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
it be like that
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.