I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”