I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what