Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

Easy enough.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.