Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

don’t message me unless you have this energy

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.