Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

asked my bf how work was today

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

this chia pet tastes awful

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.