Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

I think we should hear other voices.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.