I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M