Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.