I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
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Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Sir!!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter