I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.