i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
“you changed” bro i was 15
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
step 6: release the wall snake
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
