Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”