Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?