Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

This is the coolest video you will see today.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.