I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Taking phone security to the next level.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.