I’m ready for Halloween this year
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
Still laughing at this stupid meme
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
meow
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler