I’m ready for Halloween this year
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence