Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

6: are snakes just neck?

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary