Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

🤣🤣🤣

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?