I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
When someone says you are so lazy
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.